Thoughts On The ESC 2005 – While Watching
Okay, I’m just typing while I’m watching the ESC in a little window in the left upper corner of my really big screen. (Does it show that I love my new computer equipment?)
So, right now we are watching the 11th performer, Israel and that’s really the first performance I actually like. It’s a little bit cheesy, but compared to what I had to suffer before it’s actually a nice performance with a singer who actually can sing. Believe me, that counts for something this year.
Israel’s singer who didn’t completely suck.
What now? Serbia & Montenegro. Let’s see.
Drums. Who’d have thought?
Drums and oriental-style violins. That’s about what I have seen about ten times now. Nobody ever mentioned that drums and oriental-style violins were required this year for being allowed to enter the contest. Because there must be a reason they are used for nearly every damn song I’ve heard so far.
And what’s with the… erm… dancing?
I also think they’re gay. Or they just love each other a lot.
I think it’s called dancing.
The hosts are also strange. Or at least her dress is.
No, I take that back. It’s not just the dress, it’s the whole she-host. And her dress.
Can you see the dress? Or are you already blind?
So we come to Denmark and a perfect Kurt Nilsen clone. Maybe they’re related. The song isn’t even so bad. Okay, it’s Danish reggae, but apart from that you can actually listen to it without your ears starting to bleed. The shoes, though, the shoes are either cool or scary. I haven’t decided yet.
You know, after about two minutes I start to think of the singer as kind of cute. He’s obviously not nuts and he can sing and he doesn’t look too bad. He won’t win, but still.
Look at the shoes! The Shoes!
After Denmark comes what… of course: Sweden. I can’t really compare this singer to anything, but he’s not that bad either. I think he kind of goes for a comparison with Elvis, but really, it doesn’t work. But he is charming. I’m obviously on the scandinavian love train this year. Well, they keep away from big ethnic drums and oriental-style violins, so there’s already a very good reason to like them.
Macedonia starts with.. oh, surprise, drums and oriental-style singing and violins. And girls in very short dresses. I think I’m just gonna talk about the clothes for this performance, because there really isn’t anything else worth writing about. Oh the dancing maybe, because that? Is strange. Apparently standing still and poking with your fingers in the air qualifies as dancing. Good to know.
And about the clothes. I think I’m just gonna make a snapshot and post it here, because jeans, some obviously self-coloured t-shirt and a pink jacket is something you don’t see on the ESC that often. Especially on a man.
The short dresses, yes, that’s common.
Please explain to me this outfit.
I think that’s called dancing, too.
The Ukraine has Hip-Hop. I know that even before the performance starts because I have seen part of the contest last night when checking the quality of the capture (which is great).
They have lots of drums, too, but they don’t bother me so much, because they’re not part of some ethno-wild-dance-performance, so it’s okay. This is supposed to be a very political hip-hop song which is nice, only it’s in Russian or whatever language people in the Ukraine speak, so I don’t understand a single word. The Guy on the guitar scares me, by the way. So do the dancing guys with the hand-cuffs. All in all it isn’t even that bad, only I’m not a hip-hop fan and I have no clue what they sang about.
Scary guy in hand-cuffs.
Scary guy on guitar.
Eek. Germany. Us. The Losers. The Really Big Losers. I don’t think I want to write about that. It’s so humiliating.
But honestly, the singing was either not there or lousy, the outfit was as bad as always and the band was… well, there’s really nothing to say about the band. Maybe we should have gotten some scary guitarists or dancing guys in hand-cuffs. Or better even: A guitarist with hand-cuffs. I would have really liked to see that.
That said the song isn’t even that bad. It’s not great either, but if Gracia had actually managed to sing instead of scream we might have gotten a few points more. Yeah, well, dream on. I don’t even care.
Wolves die lonely? Is that the title of the band or of the song coming from Croatia? And do I really need to know?
By the way, it has drums and oriental-style flutes. For a change. And a guy with strange hair. And a fist. He obviously needs the fist for singing. I don’t know how that works, but it must be so.
It also has three women in really hideous dresses. I haven’t seen all the performances yet, but I can already say that these are the most hideous dresses of the whole evening. It’s like they’re bridesmaids for a really sucky bride.
It also has a guy standing on his hands.
I think they put all that together in such a strange way to pull the attention away from the song and singing. Which, from all that I can say, because I wasn’t paying attention, wasn’t even that bad.
The singing fist.
The Award winners for Most Hideous Dresses of the Evening.
A guy doing a handstand. Because he can.
So I know that Greece won, so I’m not sure if I can judge without prejudices. That said, I actually think that her dress and boobs won the contest. Because the song isn’t that great. It also has drums and oriental-style violins.
All in all we have a pretty average song with a pretty average dancing performance and one pretty singer with a good-enough voice a short dress, long legs and boobs.
And a stick. Don’t ask me what that was for.
So Greece won, huh? Why, again?
The background singers of the Russian performance are both tough and bored. That’s about as much as I can say about this performance. Apart from that the singer has bangs and a very strange outfit that I couldn’t describe if you paid me a lot of money for it.
I also don’t think the lyrics make sense. Well that might be the case for nearly every song on this contest, but I just happened to pay attention to the lyrics and I really don’t think they make sense.
Tough and Bored. Maybe that’s their names as well.
The bangs and the top.
The Bosnian performers are called Feminnem. Huh? And they’re really scary. The one girl’s dress defines a whole new meaning of scary. I just wondered what it reminds me of, now I know. Animes. You know the dresses a lot of girls in animes wear. Yeah, it looks like that. Only it’s a real person wearing it. Not some cartoon girl with no visible nose and eyes as big as Montana. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the song. It was an ABBA clone and it sounded like one, so it was okay.
But I feel it’s important to mention that the shaking of the boobs was involved. And not in a subtle way.
See the dress! Look at the dress!
The shaking of the boobs.
Since I live in Germany I think I should know Vanilla Ninja, but I do admit that I don’t. I just know that they are in the charts sometimes. The front singer is actually really pretty and has a not-too-bad-a-little-husky voice. Then again, the song sucks. Which is a shame really, because if the song didn’t suck so much it wouldn’t be so bad.
It’s also interesting too know that both Gracia and Vanilla Ninja are produced by the same guy. So if had just given Vanilla Ninja Gracia’s song, at least one of them would have had the chance to get a few more points.
Latvia sends two boys with guitars on barstools. And stange white jackets with even strange colourful applications. But they do sing and nicely so. And the song doesn’t suck. But then again, I’m a singer songwriter fan, so it’s obvious that I like the song.
By this time they have left their guitars and barstools and are singing while translating the lyrics into sign language. Yeah, I don’t think that makes any sense.
What does that mean? I think I don’t want to know.
Last performance, France. They always sing in French, because they have this thing with English. They don’t have drums but they do have kind of half hiphop half oriental-style synthesizers. Because you can’t go without.
I really can’t see anything in this song and I’m the francophile here. It’s just the most average of average. With really average ugly chairs standing on the stage for whatever reason. I think we do have sort of the same chairs in the office.
Thank god, it’s over soon.
If it was last night I would have to vote now. At least that’s what they tell me now. I think I would have voted for Israel, because that’s the one performance I actually remember as being good.
I won’t write any further. I think I’ve said enough. And you know you really missed a great evening full of wonderful music.
Not.
PS: Can somebody please invent a drinking game for the ESC? Because I can’t see another way of getting through the one next year.